If you’re getting married in 2015, then New Year’s Eve isn’t just about getting drunk and watching a giant ball drop from the sky. It’s the kick-off to the run-up to the most special day of your life—your wedding!!
We’ve come up with a list of New Year’s Resolutions to help you get your rear in gear for the wedding of the year!
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How often do you check Pinterest for the latest wedding tips, tricks and pics? Our guess is NOT NEARLY ENOUGH. You should be trolling through Pinterest like it’s your full-time job. Actually, make it your job. Insist that your employer give you Matrimony Leave, and devote all your new free time to finding new mason jar centerpiece designs.
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Remember how AMAZING it felt when you got engaged and your announcement post got over 300 likes? Keep that feeling alive all year long by posting literally every detail of your wedding planning. Pick your colors? Post a status update. Choose a venue? Tell everyone, including people you won’t be inviting. Figured out the seating plan? Stop keeping your public waiting!!
While you’re on Facebook, check out your high school friends’ wedding albums to see how you stack up. Julie from science class got married in Thailand?! Better start looking up flights to Fiji. Your college roommate had a horse-drawn carriage? You need to research elephant rentals. Your wedding day is your one chance to be better than everyone else. Don’t blow it!!!
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And sugar. And alcohol. Avocados and bananas, too. Do you know how fattening they are? The point is: wedding pictures last a lifetime, soif you can’t look like Audrey Hepburn on a cheat day in your wedding dress, then what’s the point of getting married?
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Due to a malnourished childhood, Audrey Hepburn didn’t have to exercise to keep her 20-inch waist. We can’t all be so lucky. If you’re going to walk down the aisle with any self-confidence, you’ve got to exercise. Constantly. Strap your laptop to a treadmill so you can run and check Pinterest simultaneously.
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Are you the kind of person who uses gift bags to hide your abysmal gift-wrapping skills? Did you try to make a mason jar candle and end up burning down the house? Too bad, because modern weddings are all about the DIY. Your wedding will be considered a huge, horrible failure if you don’t make your own centerpieces, flower arrangements and favors. But look on the bright side: at least you’ll learn how to hand-letter invitations from a treadmill!
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Now that you’re in shape, you’ve got to go viral. Hire a choreographer (the local dance teacher who once had an audition for a Broadway show will work just fine), and force your bridal party to learn a musical number. Make sure they practice every single day. Get ready for Good Morning America to call when your cousin Dave finally remembers to upload it to YouTube.
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Once you’ve cemented your YouTube fame, it’s time to sign up for a wedding-themed reality show. It’s an easy way to score free things like a dress or a honeymoon. And even if the show doesn’t give out prizes, it’s still a valuable way to get professional critiques on your style and personality. With any luck, someone will turn you into a meme.
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It might be a cliché, but you MUST be the prettiest one walking down that aisle. If that means ordering the bridesmaids’ dresses a size too small—so be it! Your friends will beg you to let them choose their own, but you must stay strong. Tell them that they’ll totally be able to wear the dress on multiple occasions. They won’t believe you, but it’ll shut them up till the dresses arrive.
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What’s your partner going to be doing while you’re going through all of these preparations? It doesn’t actually matter, since they’d only get in the way of your dreams. They might even offer opinions on the food and what they’re wearing. Uh, NO, thank you. Pro tip: hire a decoy to deal with all that “relationship” stuff. You’ll have more time to plan, and you won’t have to see your partner till you walk down the aisle.
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Follow these steps and you’ll be the most amazing bride you can be in 2015! Being perfect on your wedding day is 99% of making sure your marriage stays perfect, so you’re welcome in advance!