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For Boring Couples

Hers:

When I first saw you, I was eating a plain rice cake. I was sitting in the park. I opted to sit on a bench because sometimes my feet fall asleep if I sit criss-cross on grass. I had just had quite the scare – my rice cake crumbled onto my new khaki jeans (a premium sale from Kohl’s), and I was in for quite a mess. Then, as fate will have it, you walked past me and I thought “there’s a person."

Since then, I’ve come to know you in that special way (as a person, like I just said.) You are nice, smart, and cool. You say things, and sometimes I’ll respond, and sometimes I’ll just think. Sometimes you kiss me on the mouth. And if we’re feeling naughty – your lips will venture to my nose tip. Hehe. I can't believe I just said that, but luckily it only happens on special occasions like a birthday or Arbor Day.

You have so many sides to you, and I love you for it. Your scandalous side when you’re reading Men’s Health magazine. Your party animal side when you chug a mini Martinelli’s. Your cute side when you roll over in the bed because your back hurts. And your caring side when you collect the mail for me and leave it on the table.

We are the kind of love that I’ve always dreamed of: we hold hands, we brush our teeth with Crest, and we visit each other’s families in central Kansas. And every other Christmas, we’ll switch families. It's not so easy for you to deviate from the regular schedule, which is how I know you love me. Thank you for being my special someone to eat my plain rice cakes with.

ricecakes

His:

When I first saw you, I had something in my teeth. I was going for a stroll in my work courtyard and looking at all the beautiful, mind-blowing sights: the grass, the pavement, and the doors to the other people's offices. And just then, something big and magical happened. You came out of your work, which is just across the way. I thought “does this person see the broccoli in my teeth?”

Since then, I’ve come to know you: you are nice, smart, and cool. You’ve had the same hairstyle since we’ve known each other: a perfect, tight bun with a black scrunchie. So innovative. Sometimes when you’re hungry, your stomach makes a growling noise, and then you eat, and I think “My God, I’ve really hit the jackpot here."

On this day, I have such aspirations for us. I dream of growing old with you, with long Monopoly Jr. nights and intimate conversations about politics. Remember that time we watched Ted Cruz's filibuster? I forget what it was about but I remember that it went on for like 21 hours. And then we went online and found Strom Thurmond's 1957 24-hour, 18-minute filibuster meant to delay the Civil Rights Act of 1957 , and we watched that too. I guess we're just binge watchers like everyone else! Someday I hope to open a Netflix account with you and go buck wild. Until then, thanks for watching “MASH” with me, and sitting beside me.

I toast you, my beautiful bride, with two vanilla wafers and a full glass of 2% milk. And rice cakes, of course.

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